Tuesday, October 11, 2005
I have to let this out.
On Sunday, when I came home from Orchard, I saw something I wish I didn't see. No, it wasn't a rhinoceros' dick, no. Although a rhinoceros' dick could have been much more uplifting.
Okay, I will be very serious and boring for this post because I am feeling very hurt. Not to mention sad, angry, confused and depressed. Eh, doesnt sound very boring all of a sudden, haha well all you voyeurs will have something to chew on after reading this.
So I alighted from the Mrt and started walking towards the escalator. And I saw this guy and this girl. I thought the guy was so familiar, like when you know someone for very long, and you can recognize how he or she looks like, even from the back and from a distance? Like, ding! Hey I KNOW that person it has got to be whoever-it-is I shall go and say Hi.
Then I realised the inappropriateness of that analogy because that person, I strongly suspected to be my boyfriend [ currently the ex ], was with a girl, and they looked real happy together.
I'm not saying that it's wrong for a girl and guy to look real happy together, but I thought it was abit wrong for him to be all alone with a girl I recognized to be his ex. How? I saw her Friendster profile, and a few other things I do not wish to mention here. Then he turned around. In my state of confusion, I looked away and didn't look back until I climbed up the overhead bridge.
They were out of sight. Gone. To where, I don't know.
All sorts of questions started bouncing off the walls of my head. See, I didn't want to jump to conclusions, so I called Shikin and Zahidah and started blabbing to them what I just saw please tell me what I'm thinking is not true tell me to stop getting angry and all that shit.
So I let myself calm down until about 6 in the evening. I asked him. In a very subtly way of course. And he denied. Then he sent me a rather revealing message, accidentally, I think I was the last person he wanted to be reading it. Something like him sending the girl and I saw and I'm going to slaughter him tomorrow.
You have no idea how I felt when I read the message. Well, I guess you could describe it as WHAT THE FUCK? Not an angry one, but a more confused one. The anger will come later.
He wanted to explain. It isn't what you think. We have to meet. Can we meet please? I have something I need to tell you.
I only felt one thing. Betrayal. I felt so sad. Then I analyzed the situation. Why should I feel sad? He lied to me. For all I know, he could have been lying to me about so many things. I felt like a gullible fool. I thought, Man this is not me. I am not a wuss.
What's the next most logical feeling of a person who had been betrayed? Yeah, anger.
I'm skipping a hell lot of long-winded messages from him, and some abrupt ones from me, because I don't see the need to repeat them here.
He desperately wanted to meet. And I desperately didn't because I honestly didn't feel like seeing his face. But he said he would explain. Fine.
Went to school with him this morning. It was a bloody mistake. I wasn't ready and my emotions weren't in check. Apparently he has been hiding that much from me, and more, which again I don't wish to repeat here. When I got to know that, rage just filled me up and blinded me out.
I was so fuck angry I just refused to speak to him and I was walking deathly fast. All I could think about was getting to school and away from this jerk. He tried to get me to walk slower, talk things out with him, hear him out.
I just couldn't. I felt tears welling up in my eyes, but I willed myself not to cry. I recoiled violently when he grabbed my bag, elbow, waist, hand, arm, whatever, to get me to stop.
I was scared to open my mouth, because I knew that if I did, I would probably regret doing so because I would probably have verbalised abuse at him, which I didn't intend to do. So I just kept quiet, and my distance.
Anger doesn't truly affect me often, but this time the feeling was so strong it was dizzying.
I just felt so hurt lah!
You may think I was being irrational. Why didn't you hear him out? Why didn't you say anything? Maybe he's really sincere, only you're not giving him a chance to explain himself.
I am human. You put yourself in my position. Then you will know.
I'm sorry for being such a bitch, giving abrupt answers laced with heavy sarcasm.
I told him to go back to that girl and live happily ever after. I said alot of mean things.
She got involved too. I told her to stop apologizing, for it will change nothing. I didn't say alot of mean things, but I was thinking some.
Apologies.
I don't hate anyone now, contrary to what he says. There ain't space in the world for hate.
But I feel damn rotten.
Posted by funkadelic @
4:35 AM -
1 comments